I just want to hide in my cave and sleep.
Sometimes I think that that would be a good thing to do. Just..not care.
Maybe then it will go away.
Sleeping. At least I would be not conscious and time would pass quicker. At least for that moment I don't continually try to think of why or how or whatever crap. Or that this is some lesson because if it is, I must be a very terrible person to start with. I don't believe so. So I don't want to think of such things. So I sleep.
Excessive sleep has like, the principles of 'getting drunk'. If I want to push my thoughts aside I sleep my day away; night falls, and the day fades, like getting away from the horror. The pain, whatever. So long as it works, it is my pastime. Especially in moments like these. I sleep too much. And that is good.
The only thing that signifies the passing of time is when the calls come, or the messages come through. I check my time, I see that it has been an hour, or 4. Then I decide to continue in my slumber, or I get up to momentarily face my reality veiled by small activities - moving pictures, running taps, blaring music, rhythm of the tapping keyboard.
I try to keep my mind in nothing, think of nothing that has a hint of emotion, just to find that stability somewhere. It has to be somewhere; either that or a massive explosion everytime, which I clearly can neither deal with nor have the stamina to do so. Hence, the monotony.
A few days, that is what I need. Give me a break. Just a couple of days before I start taking care of myself or other people. Just a couple of days of these things to, just, whatever.
I'm like that, so often, no one knows, but me. Now you know, just take it or leave it and let me be. I'll come out of this cycle, that is known. Just for now, I want to think the way I think, idiotic or not.
Sometimes I think that that would be a good thing to do. Just..not care.
Maybe then it will go away.
Sleeping. At least I would be not conscious and time would pass quicker. At least for that moment I don't continually try to think of why or how or whatever crap. Or that this is some lesson because if it is, I must be a very terrible person to start with. I don't believe so. So I don't want to think of such things. So I sleep.
Excessive sleep has like, the principles of 'getting drunk'. If I want to push my thoughts aside I sleep my day away; night falls, and the day fades, like getting away from the horror. The pain, whatever. So long as it works, it is my pastime. Especially in moments like these. I sleep too much. And that is good.
The only thing that signifies the passing of time is when the calls come, or the messages come through. I check my time, I see that it has been an hour, or 4. Then I decide to continue in my slumber, or I get up to momentarily face my reality veiled by small activities - moving pictures, running taps, blaring music, rhythm of the tapping keyboard.
I try to keep my mind in nothing, think of nothing that has a hint of emotion, just to find that stability somewhere. It has to be somewhere; either that or a massive explosion everytime, which I clearly can neither deal with nor have the stamina to do so. Hence, the monotony.
A few days, that is what I need. Give me a break. Just a couple of days before I start taking care of myself or other people. Just a couple of days of these things to, just, whatever.
I'm like that, so often, no one knows, but me. Now you know, just take it or leave it and let me be. I'll come out of this cycle, that is known. Just for now, I want to think the way I think, idiotic or not.
2 comments:
Would thou liketh to helpeth me to decorate church oh Friday? Are you in college yet?
Most likely around 5.30pm? Go collect some flowers, then we go church, do some stuff, I buy you dinner, then we work even harder?
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