I'm hurting, but I'm grateful

At the back of my heart and my mind I still remember the time I shouted "WHY, WHY, WHY".I can't go back to the way I was before I knew what was happening - I have to be much more responsible now and I can' afford to go as the wind takes me. Sometimes it seems that I lack the passion for life. Take it as you will. I don't allow myself a lot of things, and I try not to disturb my mom too much ferrying me around. Eventhough this week's been the worst I kept it in until now where I'm done with my work and with everything else before I start crying at the horror of it. Although I don't have my own room anymore I still have my own mind, my own decisions that I get to make. I don't allow myself big purchases and sometimes wish for free money to come in. I AM envious of people who can just buy things as they fancy (I always have this one particular guy and one particular girl in mind when I think about this), or ask their parents to get them stuff. Their wishlist is ever expanding, and mine is just so the negatives don't multiply. And that I can afford to buy some things that I like, or that when I have a craving I can sometimes give in to it. I clean the house and do the laundry regularly and tidy up the living room so that my mom doesn't come back to a nest of things to do. When I started working I went on and on eventhough it was difficult to face the scoldings and naggings and the 'drill', until yesterday during my farewell when I heard praises of me being a fast learner and possessing good communication skills, and having a smiling face. It was really worth it. It means I've done a good job. When I am at home I have to learn to forgive quickly, and when I am out I have to learn to zip it up and throw it all behind me for awhile, and when I am at work I have to learn to be responsible and efficient and not let personal issues bother me. I treasure the days of escape work has provided me - and the happiness that comes with it - over being able to laze at home for hours and hours doing nothing. I learn to control my emotions well, sadness more than anything else, so I don't continue to wallow over the same thing over a stretch of time, with exceptions of course. And I have seen what good English even young children (8 years old!) can come up with! Inspiring!

All in all, I remind myself that I am not alone, it's not that bad (things could be much worst), and I still have friends that can see me the way I am, and with no obligations to look at my background. I guess that is why I don't throw my story around. I want people to see what I can do when I am away from it. I know that I can. Everyone else should know it too.

So, I am hurting, but I am grateful. Grateful to be the person I am. Grateful that I am still capable. That anything that happened hasn't stolen that away from me.

Heheh, my cat just came over to greet me at the couch. Got to go now! :)