If as you grow older you become more of who you already are, then, I think, it's quite depressing.
I don't smile much, or rather have a face that constantly looks moody/unhappy/unapproachable. I don't know why, but I suppose in one way or another it's a choice. I mean, not making a choice is a choice still right?
I used to put so so SO much effort into socializing, especially in 2007. The whole, long year. It was satisfying, but tiring, and draining, and fake. It was satisfying being popular, being known, being the person people want to talk to and being the person people poke fun at many of the times. But it was also tiring smiling all the time, talking enthusiastically to people about things I don't really care about, and putting on a facade became a habit. At the very least, it was an I-enjoy-your-company facade. They were happy, I was happy.
But happiness don't last you very long.
The following year and after, many unfortunate events happened and I just pulled away from people, and that was it. That was the end of people caring and talking and asking. Just because I stopped talking to you doesn't mean you can't come to me to talk. Doesn't mean I don't want to talk. Doesn't mean I hate you guys.
I was unhappy many a times but there were also many times where I got frustrated because I thought I had put in a lot of effort to make my friendships work. I thought they were my friends. But, I suppose it wasn't good enough. One year wasn't enough of a facade to convince anyone that I cherish their company. Nobody really probed, nobody wanted enough to know. When I said I'm fine, they believed me.
Why? Why why why? Because it was a fake. Because I wasn't being myself by being a bubbly person. I concluded, no one tries hard enough to befriend a person who doesn't look interested to talk to anybody.
I anguished. Why didn't any one of my friends bother to find out? Why didn't you get out of your way just to make sure I was honestly fine? I changed so much, why didn't anyone ask why? More specifically, why didn't anyone ask ME why?
Why are people afraid of being honest to me? I know I am fragile, but I am so highly breakable? Or, am I so unpleasant?
Time passed, I just let it lay dormant.
Maybe you thought you needed to let me have some time. Good thinking, 'cause I had plenty of time being resentful about it too.
Sigh.
I like the people in Form 6. They are honest (haha honest about how much they hate you), and they are busybodies, and they give me food when I am upset. We can have our own cliques, but at least everyone tries to make it work.
Gosh, they do try.
People like me, they get bad press. I think, I have long begun to hate people.
I guess, I'm not myself when I'm with people. I'm not as good a driver when there are people in the car with me. I'm not so fluent when I try to express myself than when I am talking to myself. I am like this awkward teenager who is in this phase, trying to fit in. Except that it has lasted years too long. Maybe I need to accept myself, and not think too much about how weird everything is, and start.
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